When I'm in charge, there's a few offences that will be punishable by swift death. As a little service to you, those of my friends kind enough to read about me here, I am choosing to let you know - ahead of time - what these things are. That way, when I take control, you won't be left trying to plead ignorance in the face of my heavily armed correction squads, for believe me now - ignorance will be no excuse. Read on and take note, for these are the things that you shall not do:
- Drop litter of any variety anywhere except in a bin. This includes spitting chewing gum from your mouth, you savages. I can only imagine that smokers will be particularly hard-hit by this ruling, as they seem to think it their right to drop cigarette butts everywhere they go. Oh well.
- Let your dog crap on the street. Similar to the above, this will also result in a swift execution. As a sidenote - cats will still roam free and may still defecate in your garden. You may not like this, but you can whine about that when you successfully depose me from my seat of power and take charge of the country.
- Leave used tea bags in the sink. Words fail me sometimes, they really do. Put it in the damn bin. Good grief.
- Play music at an offensively loud volume in your house, such that I am forced to listen to it while relaxing in my garden.
- As above, for music played in a car or other motor vehicle.
- As above, for music played on your mobile phone while walking down the street. This problem is only compounded by the fact that you're probably listening to R&B. Luckily for you I've not yet made bad musical taste a capital crime, but you have been warned.
- Drive a car that has been "modded" with an absurd exhaust. No one thinks your mum's Clio has a V8 engine, no matter how loud it is. You better hope it's modded to withstand sustained RPG fire.
- Swear in public, especially in earshot of children. Just shut up, huh? No one wants to hear you punctuating your sentences with the f-word.
- Engage in any unsolicited marketing activity, including but no limited to spamming, cold calling, junk-faxing, pop-ups and spyware.
- Sell crap food. For example: Nescafe is not coffee; sausages should contain meat that wasn't pressure hosed off the carcass; hydrogenated vegetable fat is not a valid substitute for the cream in ice cream; low fat yoghurt is a travesty; citric acid, sugar and carbonated water do not constiture lemonade; Sunny Delight and Fruit Shoot are revolting. We'll eat real food when I'm the boss.
- Stop on double yellow lines to use a cash machine or similar. You may get lucky and simply find your car stolen while you get your money, but I wouldn't chance it.
- Show off your underwear. Now, some people think that women showing off thongs is sexy. I am not one of these people. I don't want to see it, and you will stop showing it to me. There are extremely rare occasions on which underwear on display can be highly intriguing, and this will be permitted, but 99 times out of 100 it is just plain ugly. I am, however, prepared to act as judge, jury and executioner in these borderline cases.
- Write truly terrible song lyrics. Recent offender: Fergie's track "Big girls don't cry" includes the line "And I'm gonna miss you, like a child misses his blanket." Not only is this line unwieldy and tenuous, but the next line shockingly fails to find anything to rhyme with blanket. Seriously, just shut up.
I'm sure there are more things that will spring to mind once I oust Gordon from No. 10 in my impending coup, but I think that's enough planning for now. I trust you all feel better informed. Tread carefully.
